Humiliation, Even In Success

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Me, this week

I had a small but significant success last week: I discovered I needed a size smaller pair of jeans!

To put this in perspective: I’ve been aware of having a belly since age 10. I have NEVER bought a smaller pair of ANYTHING.

I wasn’t 100% sure I would need a smaller size, but my current jeans were falling off of me.

Being a size 50 waist has meant getting my clothes at the big & tall store, or Walmart.  Neither Target nor J.C. Penny’s have had my size in a couple of decades.

For jeans, Walmart has been the dependable and inexpensive way to go and feel comparatively “normal.”

When I realized I was likely about to go down to a 48, I couldn’t wait to go get a new pair.  (Besides, my old pair really WAS worn out.)

Upon arriving, I was shocked and disappointed to find nothing at first over a 44 waist. I found a 46, but didn’t expect it to fit.

Suddenly I was having to face the possibility that, even after losing 21 lbs, I was too fat for Walmart.  It sucked all the energy out of what was expected to be a celebratory purchase.

I finally found two pair of 48s, both however 32 length when I needed a 30.  Didn’t matter; the waist fit, and I can take it to the tailor.

It was a painful reminder that, although I’ve made excellent progress and am headed in the right direction, I’m not yet one of the “cool kids” with a normal waistline.

One of the biggest challenges (besides not eating more calories than allotted each day) is the slowness of the weight loss. If you’ve read my previous posts you know this is intentional, but it doesn’t change my emotional side’s desire to look “normal” today.

I am 325 lbs today. In a year, I will be 300. In two years I will be 275. That’s less than I ever weighed while going to Weight Watchers… But it’s still really big! In 2018 I will still weigh 250 lbs in August… 225 lbs, four years from now… STILL considered obese.

Finally, in 2020, I’ll be 200… “only” overweight.

I look forward to not getting stared at when I’m out, not having children say, “Mommy, he’s fat!”

Until then — hey, at least I lost 3/4 lb this last week. 🙂

I try to remind myself: it took me 35 years to get this big; it won’t kill me to take seven years to get back down to the right weight.

Next week, I plan to discuss exercise and its impact on weight loss… and how much you should be beating yourself up about not exercising. (HINT: not much!) See you next Tuesday!

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